Problem
I lost my parents in the past few years and the holidays are coming up. I don’t feel like celebrating and my siblings just don’t get it. I was close to my parents and for the most part they grew up and moved away. They want to get together now rather than when they could have spent time with my parents. I feel pretty sad and angry about what they did not do for my parents. I stayed so I could look after them, and that was my choice.
My parents asked all of the time why they did not come to visit. I did not have an answer for them. I thought that they could have come but they didn’t. There was always an excuse. I’m still regrouping after losing my parents and don’t want to close the door on my brothers, at the same time I am not willing to host Christmas so they can have the convenience of some place to stay. It seems to be about their convenience. They want to go to the cemetery while they are here. I don’t want to.
What should I do?
Discussion
Being brutally honest with people who are rather dense, as your brothers might be, is not going to do much good. It seems like setting boundaries and saying that it would be best for them to get accommodations at a local motel would work better. You can also tell them that you would like to keep things to a minimum.
Doing whatever part of Christmas that is comfortable for you is probably a good plan. You are not responsible for the whole celebration. Going out to eat as a family might be a simple choice. Be firm about what you would like to do. This is a trying time for most people. When you have gotten through some of your grief then it would be better to talk to each of them, if that is what you want to do.
Dealing with your own grief is primary for you. Your brothers are responsible for themselves. They are family but you are not responsible for their better mental health. You have to take care of you first. I encourage you to find someone to talk to for your wellbeing. You have to do your own work, just like they have to.
Taking care of yourself and letting others do that for themselves is a beautiful thing.
To submit problems, contact Juanita Sanchez, psychotherapist, by email at [email protected] or through High Plains Journal.
