When multiple generations live and work within a five-mile radius of each other, that brings a whole different set of challenges to family dynamics. Especially when trying to deal with aging parents and farm responsibilities.
One farm couple in northcentral Kansas agreed to talk about navigating their multigenerational farm on the condition of anonymity due to the sensitive family nature of the topic.
“Joe” and “Jane” are a couple in their mid-50s with children and grandchildren of their own. Jane’s parents are in their late 80s and still farming, while Joe’s parents have been deceased for several years. Before they died though, Joe’s parents faced serious health problems that limited their farming activities and caused some angst in the family.
“We first noticed that the spatial judgment and thinking just wasn’t there anymore,” Jane said. “Things like being able to pull the combine alongside the truck. Also, there was a sense that their response time had slowed down and it was becoming a safety issue.”
“Motor skills are very important to watch,” said Duane Hund, Kansas State Research and Extension assistant and director of the Farm Analyst Program. “As we get older we get slower, but maybe grandpa is struggling to bolt that attachment onto the planter, or he’s turning the nut the wrong way and getting frustrated. You don’t want to embarrass him or make him feel inferior.” One way, Hund offered, is to say something like, “you know, Grandpa, I keep having trouble with that nut too. Maybe I should try?”
Physicians can help
In Joe and Jane’s family situation, a primary care physician was an invaluable third party voice of authority in addressing safety issues on the farm.
“I think that people listen to a professional’s voice, like a doctor’s, more than a child’s voice,” Jane said. “When the doctor says, ‘no more cattle, you can’t handle them safely,’ well, then, that was the voice of God. He came home that day and decided to sell his cattle.”
“I find a primary care physician is an invaluable voice and I refer people to their doctors all the time,” said Hund, who has counseled thousands of farm families since 1985. “Maybe someone needs therapy, maybe they need medicine.”
He shared a story of a middle-aged, otherwise healthy farmer who was having financial difficulties because he was so tired he wasn’t getting his work done. A physician thought at first it could be depression, but more investigation found he had been suffering from lifetime sleep apnea. When that physical problem was addressed, Hund said the farmer was a whole new person. The Kansas Ag Mediation Service has a list of counselors who understand farmers, Hund said.
“For us it was a gradual transition,” Jane said of her father-in-law giving up farming. “We always sought his advice and wisdom and input. We valued that. And when he wasn’t farming he surprisingly had a lot more time to read up on trends and time to think and share his expertise, and that was very important to Joe.”
Hund agreed that maintaining a mentoring relationship is one way to transition an older farmer from the physicality of farming to the mental game.
“We know the majority of farmers don’t have hobbies, they’re used to doing something different every day so when they stop farming they feel like they lose their identity,” Hund said. “But we need to tap into their wisdom that they’ve gleaned to help us keep the farm moving forward.” And it keeps them feeling needed, Hund added.
With Joe and Jane, there were siblings in both families to consider when it came time to make decisions. Some lived far away from the farm, others closer by, and so navigating the sibling relationship in regards to parental care decisions was another point to consider.
“Sometimes non-farm siblings don’t really understand what’s going on,” Jane said. Whether it’s the practical day-to-day operations of the farm or choosing a healthcare facility for their parents, often the burden rests on the family member closest to the parents, she added.
Line of communication
Hund said whether the younger generation is a blood relative or a neighbor who has established a path to purchase the farm, it’s important to keep a dialogue open with them. Tell them that you appreciate any concerns that they pass along to you, he said. They are you eyes and ears and if they offer a course of action, listen.
Jane said she and Joe learned to pick their battles when it comes to their aging parents. If the situation wasn’t one of immediate danger, Jane said, then for their happiness sometimes it’s just advisable to go with the flow. Sometimes that couldn’t be avoided, though.
“The scariest thing is keeping them safe,” she said. “We live and work in a very dangerous profession. What other profession hangs on to a generation in their 80s and 90s? You worry about them handling equipment safely. It’s one thing if they injure themselves, but it’s another if they could hurt someone else.”
That’s a difficult conversation for many families, Hund said.
“I had a conversation with a farm wife who wanted me to talk with her husband who was suffering from brain cancer and it was affecting his thinking,” Hund said. “She was scared to have the grandkids playing in the yard for fear he wouldn’t see them while moving equipment. So, I sat with him and said, ‘John, you need to realize that if something happened to one of the grandkids you’d never forgive yourself.’ He realized he needed to stop driving for their sakes.”
Jane said above all else, she and Joe kept a sense of compassion and patience when dealing with their parents.
“We found a safe place to vent to each other, but never in front of our kids,” she said. “We wanted to model treating our parents the way we hoped our own kids would treat us.”
Jennifer M. Latzke can be reached at 620-227-1807 or [email protected].
