Put business matters aside and remember why we celebrate this season
Family gatherings during the holidays can be full of warmth and laughter. Or not.
People who work together in the family business—and that’s 95% of all United States farms—can find it hard to set aside the challenges and conflicts that occupy them day after day.
“Frustrations carry on, no matter the holiday,” says my Pinion colleague, Lance Woodbury, a family business consultant.
Anxiety and stress don’t disappear just because it’s Christmas or New Year’s Day. For family business members at a holiday get-together, underlying issues can escalate into dramas nobody wants. Your holiday gatherings are meant to be family time, but business matters can still infiltrate the room. Feelings may be unspoken, but they’re there. Are you angry with a son or daughter for forgetting to submit some regulatory paperwork? Does your brother continue to blame a family member for a tractor accident? Do you and your siblings resent the farm’s financial burden your parents have passed on to you?
To help make your family holiday gatherings more harmonious, Woodbury offers these tips.
Be thoughtful about what you want out of holiday time with your family. People generally want to have a good meal and enjoy their time together, but that takes some planning and clear communication. Make sure everyone understands what to expect, especially that new daughter-in-law who’s not familiar with your family traditions. Don’t assume everyone knows what time the gathering and the actual meal will start. “People can get angry when someone doesn’t get there on time,” Woodbury said. Who’s responsible for bringing what dishes? Can the job of clean-up be divvied up?
Maybe the kids or young adults can be put in charge of the after-dinner board games. A holiday gathering is, in reality, an event that will flow more smoothly with a drama-avoiding game plan.
Be mindful of the conversation. Be intentional about what’s discussed around the table. The well-known no-no’s of politics, religion and sex still stand. So do topics that can cause hurt feelings, such as someone’s weight, dating troubles or divorce. Avoid discussing work issues since not every family member may be involved in the family business. If the holiday gathering is supposed to be about family, then find other things to talk about besides the business. “Have safe conversation starters,” Woodbury said. Include the children, grandparents and in-laws in remembering happy times. He suggests reading “Life Is in the Transitions” by Bruce Feiler. The book explores how to master the changes that occur in life. Feiler explores life stories, asking questions that can spur good conversations at your own family gatherings. For example, who would you say was your most important mentor apart from your parents? If you had to divide your life into chapters, what would they be?
It’s OK to take a break. Holiday gatherings can stretch into hours of close contact. It’s important not to be on top of each other. Acknowledge that people need their own space, if only for a while. Take yourself—and the dog—for a walk. Step outside and take some deep breaths. You can even bid a loving good-bye and leave to spend the afternoon elsewhere. Some families break up the gathering with board games, bingo or cards.
Be careful about alcohol. Cocktails, wine and beer are often part of holiday gatherings, but excess leads to trouble. Limit your intake.
Remember why we celebrate, and give people some grace. Whether your holiday celebrations stem from religion, tradition or age-old culture, they’ll likely have components of gratitude and generosity. Most people are trying to do their best as they navigate life. They’re not at the get-together deliberately trying to cause pain. “If someone says something offensive,
take a step back,” Woodbury said. “Be the bigger person. Keep yourself in check. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and a mental gift of grace. Responding with kindness in this season of giving is a gift you can give to the other person.”
Editor’s note: Maxson Irsik, a certified public accountant, advises owners of professionally managed agribusinesses and family-owned ranches on ways to achieve their goals. Whether an owner’s goal is to expand and grow the business, discover and leverage core competencies or protect the current owners’ legacy through careful structuring and estate planning, Irsik applies his experience working on and running his own family’s farm to find innovative ways to make it a reality. Contact him at [email protected].
