For families with teenagers starting high school this fall, the transition to new social pressures and academic responsibilities can feel intimidating for both parents and children.
Brittney Schrick, extension associate professor and family life specialist for the University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture, said parents should keep in mind that a desire for increased independence is a natural developmental milestone.
“Transitioning to high school brings an expectation of more independence,” Schrick said. “Depending on the school, they may be three or four years younger than the oldest students in the building. This can be intimidating and bring with it a lot of pressure to seem older or more confident than a younger student may actually feel.”
Schrick said parents should prepare to be intentional and ask their high school students a lot of questions.
“Especially if kids are transitioning to a much larger environment, they will experience changes and growing pains,” Schrick said. “Even kids who are outgoing or socially fearless can experience anxiety and difficulty adjusting to a new environment.
“Parents can tell when their kids are acting differently or seem stressed,” she said. “It’s okay to be annoying in asking follow-up questions but try to let your kids handle their own relationships, conflicts and teacher interactions as much as possible.”
It’s also important for parents to avoid comparing their own high school days with the experiences of their children, Schrick said.
“It is common for parents to relive their own high school experiences and project their fears or expectations onto their kids,” Schrick said. “But most parents of high school age kids didn’t go to high school with social media or smartphones. They had a computer lab and textbooks they took home instead of eBooks and Blackboard.
“It has always been difficult to relate to teens, but the gap is now very wide,” she said. “Asking questions with a goal of learning instead of correcting is always a good place to start.”
New school jitters
For many students, high school takes place on a new campus. Schrick said families starting at a new school, big or small, should take the time to walk through their child’s schedule before school starts.
“Most schools will allow students to walk their schedule on the day they pick it up,” Schrick said. “For kids with anxiety, this type of low-stakes activity can make all the difference when starting the year. If they can walk the halls when they aren’t in a hurry or when the halls are not full of students, the student can build confidence in their ability to navigate and make the first few days easier on everyone.”
If a schedule walk-through is not an option, use a campus map or other tool to “help your student mentally walk through their schedule and rehearse for the first day,” Schrick said.
The transition to high school can also bring new, more rigorous academic responsibilities. Schrick said helping students balance this new workload with social and extracurricular activities is tricky.
“Parents want their kids to learn to manage their own time and build the skills needed to make it through high school and beyond,” Schrick said. “However, the increase in schoolwork, social expectations and extracurricular activities can sometimes overwhelm teens and parents alike.”
Setting expectations early in the year that homework is done before social activities can help set the tone for the year, Schrick said.
“Avoid overscheduling your kids,” Schrick added. “This can set them up for failure by making it nearly impossible to meet overwhelming expectations.”
Navigating new social pressures
Schrick said social pressures can increase in high school as independence increases and the potential negative outcomes of risky behavior become more life-altering.
“High school-aged kids’ brains are not fully developed, but they often look like adults,” Schrick said. “This mismatch can sometimes trick teens and their parents into thinking that they are fully capable of making and understanding adult decisions.
“Especially for kids who are academically successful, show responsibility and independence by holding a steady job, or contribute to family income or sibling care, the expectations of acting like an adult while still having a teen brain can lead to unexpected difficulties,” she said.
Make sure that children know what you expect of them, even if they roll their eyes and say they already know, Schrick said.
“It doesn’t hurt them to hear again that you expect them to avoid drinking and drugs, not to smoke or vape, or not to have sex,” Schrick said. “It is important that they hear you say that you think their grades are important, that they should ask you before getting in a car with a new driver, that they can ask their teachers questions, that they can get in trouble with the police if they send nude photos.”
Schrick said parents sometimes assume that their kids aren’t listening because they seem distracted or annoyed.
“However, they’re listening, and they’re watching, and they’re making decisions based on a lot of different factors, including what they think the adults in their lives would do, or what those adults would prefer the kid do,” Schrick said.
‘But everybody is doing it!’
A sense of belonging is a basic human need, and one that can feel especially powerful during the high school years, Schrick said. But helping children build confidence to stand up for their beliefs or desires — at the risk of being left out — is critical.
“Some ways parents can foster this type of confidence is to avoid forcing kids to do things that they aren’t comfortable doing unless they are absolutely necessary,” Schrick said. “For example, letting them wear what they want to, even if you think it is awful, letting them eat until they are full rather than forcing them to clean their plate, letting them refuse to hug someone they don’t want to hug or letting them choose activities for their own enjoyment instead of appeasing an adult.”
These examples and many others help kids build up knowledge of their own minds and preferences and “pay attention to their inner feelings that help them know when something doesn’t feel good to them,” Schrick said.
“If kids only learn to avoid certain situations so they won’t get in trouble with an adult, they are more likely to be sneaky or take risks when they are sure they won’t be caught,” she said.
Building this kind of self-trust also helps children learn that not “everyone” is, in fact, doing “it,” Schrick said, whatever “it” is.
“Their brains will have a hard time grasping that, especially when social media and personal interactions can sometimes increase the feeling that they are the odd one out,” Schrick said. “But building confidence in a teen’s ability to participate in a group but say, ‘No, thanks,’ is a tool that will serve them well throughout life.”
Schrick suggested parents reach out to their children’s schools for additional resources or personnel, such as guidance counselors, available for students and families. Families with older children who have navigated this territory before can also be helpful, she said.
Visit the Personal & Family Well-Being page on the Cooperative Extension Service website for more family life resources.
PHOTO: Group of happy high school classmates walking by school corridor together. (Adobe Stock-#200238277 │ LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS)
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