Problem:
I think my wife is a very materialistic person. I have always had a good job, but the company is cutting back, and a few people have been let go. I’m not worried about it, but there is just a concern. We need to be aware of the state of that business where I work and how it could affect us in the long run.
I suggested that we minimize excess spending. She was very opposed to the idea because according to her, we have more than enough. My wife has never worked, and she came from a family who had money. I don’t begrudge her for that life, but I was not raised that way. I have had to work most of my life, and I have been lucky.
I really did not tell her we had to pinch pennies but told her that we needed to cut back a little. You would have thought that I told her the world was ending. I have never told her not to spend on anything she wanted. This has opened my eyes to her in a way that I did not want. Not only is she superficial and materialistic but self-centered as well. I have never had to take a hard look at the marriage because I worked and continued to work hard to support us and her lifestyle. I’m wondering if I’m just a paycheck to her.
After our conversation it made me think of the advantages we have had, and whether my wife would be there if I were not a good provider. I’m disappointed in her and her attitude. I’m thinking thoughts that are making me uncomfortable about what I thought our marriage has been about. I have not said much more about this issue but have begun to notice her attitude about her privilege. I’m seeing how she more or less flaunts it. We have not had children, so she has even more time to pamper herself. I love her but I’m not sure where she is in this relationship. Should I let it lie or say something?
Discussion:
It sounds confusing, but it is clear that you are not on the same page with your encouragement to be more careful with money. It sounds like this request made you take a look at your marriage a little more closely. It is called evaluation when you say where have we been, where are we going and how are we going to get there. Your wife may be a little pampered as you have suggested, but it looks like you are going to have to have a more serious conversation. You can say I would like to sit down and talk about our situation. Mention the talk you tried to have that did not go over very well.
I think that this situation has never come up so maybe you owe it to her to give you a chance to be clear and properly respond. It sounds more like you expected her to agree rather than discuss, maybe she needs to really hear you out, and you need to clear. Hard conversations require thought and patience to create understanding. Let’s just say she never thought of being thrifty because you had never said anything about it. Give her a chance to collect her thoughts before jumping to conclusions.
- Stop
- Relax
- Think
- Do not jump to conclusions
I hope this helps. Be patient as you broach the subject again.
To submit problems, contact Juanita Sanchez, psychotherapist, by email at [email protected] or through High Plains Journal.
