Problem
Holidays—my husband hates them and I love them. This is a time for family and celebration, at least in my opinion. My husband is a very inward-oriented person who likes to keep to himself. His family did not celebrate the holiday and for the most part were very negative about most things. They had a rough life and they did not seem very happy, consequently my husband did not learn to enjoy family time and celebration. I felt that when we got married we would change that tradition and he would find some joy in our family etc., but he has not or at least does not show it.
I put up the tree with our children and he sits on the outside of things and looks pretty grumpy. Our children are still at home and I want them to celebrate all the good things about the holiday. The spiritual side of Christmas is so important and I don’t want them to miss out on that. I want to build a good foundation for them so that they can carry it forward.
I want him to enjoy his family during the holidays but he does not seem to be able to do that. Is there something that I could do to help him?
Discussion
You could encourage him to work on some of his issues of the past, but it would be his choice. Maybe accepting that you love him, and gently invite him to participate. It would be nice, but not necessary. His life was different than yours and I believe that people live out their histories in some way. If you didn’t have a nurturing upbeat family, the truth is that you might not have learned to do that kind of thing. I guess you could encourage him to get involved to create a better situation than he grew up with. If he is not complaining and just sitting on the side maybe he could do something else to nurture your children. Privately tell him he does not have to go to the extreme, but he could make the hot chocolate for your decorating evening. Include him but don’t push him. Also you can’t know he is not enjoying his family.
Try and understand that most people do not want to be negative or set aside. Generally someone taught them to be that way.
Love seems to be primary reason for the season. Just do that and encourage where you can. Believe in change and you will see it.
To submit problems, contact Juanita Sanchez, psychotherapist, by email at [email protected] or through High Plains Journal.
