No voice or opinion

Problem: It could be that other people would not see this as a problem, but I feel like I do not have a voice or an opinion with my husband, because he insists on being right. If I voice an opinion he demeans what I have to say and then acts as if I have a problem and I am taking him too seriously. I don’t get it. I am a very intelligent person and I don’t allow other people to treat me this way.

When he is out in public he does not treat others in this manner. I thought it was a woman thing and that he had a problem with women, but he is a charmer and does his best to keep people and women entertained. However the buck stops at our front door.

He provides well for me, but he is very careful when it comes to me spending or knowing where our money is. He claims he earned it and I should not question how he takes care of things as that is his job. I have threatened to go to work so I can have money of my own and spend it as I see fit, but he puts his foot down and says no wife of his is going to work.

A bottom line issue is that I don’t know what we have and where it is because he does not want me to know. Maybe I should not complain because he does take good care of me, but for the most part I do not seem to matter in the relationship. I want to think that he does not mean to treat me badly but he does it over and over again.

Just wondering what to do.

Discussion: It sounds as if you have been lulled into a situation because you do not seem aware of what your husband is doing. The short, simple and sweet of it is that he likes to control you. He really has no reason to not do it as you have gone along with it. You do not mention age, but that could have something to do with it. You do not mention self-esteem and that could have something to do with it. You do not sound assertive and willing to stand up for yourself with him, so my question to you is why would he listen to you? He knows he can do what he wants and you go along.

If you love your husband and do not want to rock the boat, I guess I might understand that. A big issue from where I sit is, if something happened to him or he decided to stray, or if you were not together through divorce or separation you have no idea what half of what you both own is yours. This is a very bad place to be with a man who is controlling and manipulative.

If he knows the difference in public and when he is home with you, he chooses to do what he does. If you can find a good therapist for yourself talk to someone who will advise you on the state of your life. Do not give up on yourself as you said you are intelligent so do something for yourself and get help.

P.S. People often treat us as we allow them to treat us and that does go for spouses as well.

To submit problems, contact Juanita Sanchez, psychotherapist, by email at [email protected] or contact High Plains Journal.