Problem:
I am having a rough time in my relationships. I’m in my mid-thirties and have tried dating apps, but that has not worked well. I’m average looking and exercise and try to eat right, so I think that I look okay. Seriously, I have girlfriends who aren’t in as good a shape as me and they are having no problems. They get dates. My dates turn into hook-up situations. I want someone to get to know me, respect me and not just be out for sex. I guess that is a problem. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but it seems like there should be more than that as an outcome for a date.
My friends say I should loosen up and go with the flow, and I’ve tried that, but it has never gone well. I am trading time and dinner for someone to expect they just bought an intimate relationship with me. I’m confused about what is expected in this day and age.
I need help. One day I want a child or two but at this rate it looks like I may be single.
Discussion:
I don’t think it’s bad to have guidelines for relationships, and no one but you can figure out what is right for you. Your girlfriends may not be looking for a serious relationship, you did not mention that part of the discussion. Maybe a slight flirtation and time spent with a man, leads to sex, for them. It does not have to be that way for you.
I really wonder how casual sex leads to a marriage. Get to know someone before you get attached. Listen, observe and take your time to get to know them. If what you see and understand about a person is not what you might like for the long haul, it seems like you would know that after a few dates. If dinner is payoff for sex, then move on. You know what you want. Don’t give up on you before you do a little more dating for the sake of getting to know someone. If that is not going to work out for whatever reason, move on.
The ideas that other people have are theirs, those ideas don’t have to be yours. The way I see it is you have to get out there and see what is there. Not every man is the same nor are women. Kindly say what you are looking for in a kind way, and if that is not what the date is looking for you will soon find out. Get to know someone in person. Anyone can be a little misleading in a text. Use your own assessment skills and don’t believe everything you hear: check it out. Get out of the house on occasion to see who is out there. If you are committed to finding someone, be persistent. I believe it takes practice to get to know people. Know what you want and don’t be afraid to say what you mean. If you want something bad enough, put in the time to find that person.
To submit problems, contact Juanita Sanchez, psychotherapist, by email at [email protected] or through High Plains Journal.
